I wonder if, if someone knew nothing of my disorders and hung around me regularly, they would think something was wrong with me; if they'd see anything negative in how I act, socially. Anyone I know has access to my journal and my Tumblr and that's dandy with me, so I'm fine with not knowing the answer. I don't feel that I have much control over the way people view me anyway, and that doesn't often scare me. Everyone does what they are content in doing, or what they think will make them most comfortable with themselves and their image. I'm most content putting myself out there, being loud about my opinions -- sharing myself mentally, physically, emotionally. Sometimes I'm harsh about it, as with my political opinions, but I'm in it for the dialogue. I'm in it to change.

Facebook and Tumblr have greatly supplemented my understanding of the world. It's become a theoretical community, to me, outside of and after the Great Academia. It's incredible how much I've learned from crowdsourcing my interests. I mean, what better way to learn than from the people; the many people. I know I can't always be in academia, surrounded by young radicals who share my views but will always be open to argument/discussion/laughter/self-examination. The internet-world has become a wealth of growth for me. Everything changes constantly, and I've realized I'm happier when I don't try to keep things the way they have been. Not even that -- the way they are. So I'll get an iPhone and buy new clothes and spend more than I save.

I've been letting go of my scrimping habits, letting go of calories, letting go of blaming myself for my own emotions. I don't see how I won't continue to encounter new things to negotiate, new-old habits to break, new prejudices and privileges to check. I've discovered so much and I'm exuberantly, self-indulgently happy or proud of it all. Even if I spent all day on the computer, who's going to judge that as wrong, and why? If that's what I wanted to do with life, I'd do it. For me, "everything in moderation" is just another guaranteed-to-lose form of control.

I'm not comfortable being such a harsh judge of myself anymore (an arduous concept to unlearn, as I was always convinced it helped me), which I think makes me more accepting in general. If I want to sit in bed and eat 10 brownies and stay up until 2 and not exercise to make up for it, how is that wrong? I'm still as judgmental as the rest of us though, so I function just fine. E.g.: I don't judge a person for eating a pan of brownies in one sitting; I judge them if they don't "take care of themselves" in general. That's still terrible of me, right? What does it even mean?

Haha, I've sort-of become that awful kind of post-structuralist, postmodernist that is impossible to explain and often threatens to self-examine into oblivion.

I think I'm going to cross-post this to Tumblr, but I maybe think Tumblr will become my new journal. Hm.