SAM you are so wonderful! You, just you. Every you you've ever been and all the yous you'll ever become. I miss your smile all the time just to look at me. I miss making you laugh. I miss feeling like I can't be apart from you or I'll just explode, and I miss that when apart from you I still feel very acutely loved, very close.
I miss your teeth and your confidence and my confidence in loving you, and I'm going to grasp that again no matter how many times I fail and feel like shit and wonder when you'll realize I'm just dead weight. I'll stop wondering, I promise I'll try.
I know that I can be happy. There was a time anything could have happened to me and I still could have smiled through it because I had you, and what else did I need. I don't think it's just nostalgia to reach for that.
I'm still so excited about you, but it's inhumed under mountains of self-loathing and mental illness. I'm excited about me too, somewhere. I swear to you, I'm getting it back. I promise, I swear.
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