Oscillating

I think, overall, things are looking up for me, emotionally. I'm learning how to communicate better what I am feeling, and what I need. It's frustrating sometimes that I have to be so blatant about things but I realize that if I can barely deal with myself, how can I expect someone else to just know how to handle me. There's only so far intuition can go with mental disorder, you know?

I'm in an in-between place. I can keep myself relatively stable and good, but when something does get me down, I explode, or implode. I either yell and cuss (I never really cussed before Sam. It's still weird to me. What a squaaare.) or I fold in on myself and it takes the greatest effort to speak at all. But it takes a little more to get me there. The real triumph is that I don't crumble into a pile of self-loathing nearly as easily. Which means I'm actually being more understanding and less selfish and definitely better able to be there.

I wish I didn't get to the point of like...agitation saturation. Critical mass.

I am bad at doing adult things so I didn't look for a psychiatrist for a long time. But I'm a doof because I realized the other day that my urgent care center treats depressive illnesses. I'm not sure if this includes Bipolar, and I'm eagerly awaiting an answer to my inquiry. Hoping!

A lot of good things are happening right now. I'm leaving for New Mexico this weekend. I'll be there for 10 days, and I'm psyched. I started a new job at Montgomery College in Germantown and just started full-time again. So I can pay down my credit card, thank goodness. Paying the minimum was making me anxious.

Sam wrote a song about me, and it makes me good-cry. For various reasons (probably mostly biased), it might be my favorite song of his. I could write forever about how amazed I am at our love. Even when I feel at the point of destruction, I know this is an intensely, heart-spillingly wonderful relationship. Today, the first lucid words out of his mouth as I woke him up before I left for work: "you're so pretty." N'aw.

Between a rock and a crazy place.

I'm in a high right now. Which means that I feel awesome about myself, quick to spring back, cheerful, and energetic.

It also means I can get into full-blown mania. In which I'm quick to anger, can't control what I feel, get stuck in cyclical thoughts of self-hatred and annoyance and self-awareness ("I know I shouldn't feel like this, I hate myself for feeling it, is it worth saying just because I feel it even though it will bring everything down or should I shut up and try ineffectually to feel better on my own..."), feel sensitive to the point of rawness about a lot of things that I normally would be able to brush off and/or rationalize and move on from.

I had a really crazy episode earlier this week, and it came right after two weeks of almost constant awesome feeling. I fell from a high place and crashed hard. I thought, well that was a good run. I guess I'm grateful for the only two weeks in the past two years that I've felt really me.

One part of my mental illness is the powerlessness of spontaneously forgetting things when they upset me. Oh, it's even shittier than it sounds. In the middle of an argument, I'll forget what I/Sam has just said. Literally JUST said. I'll forget previous arguments, I'll blank in the middle of a sentence. Right now, I cannot even recall what I got upset about the other day. This might seem like a blessing sometimes. It's not.

Because now I just remember silently sobbing myself to sleep, hardly staying that way, hating myself from the moment I awakened. Thinking about wanting to just die, to just not be alive, that Sam would be so much better off, that I add nothing, that I'm just an overly-sensitive terrible person. That I'm annoying, that I'm whiny and self-righteous and WAY TOO FUCKING HIGH-MAINTENANCE, and I resent myself for that (what the fuck?).



Or, tl;dr: Mania = too much. Too much of myself, too many feelings, too polar.


This is what I said to Sam the next day:

"I just hope you understand that when this is going on, it's not my choice

• I don't choose to feel as full of rage and self-hate and anguish
• there's a catalyst - in this case, not being able to get to sleep and being awakened rudely - but it is never just about that
• my brain just explodes all over itself
• I'm sorry if I make it harder for you to be sympathetic
• I just know that I have to at least try to just allow myself to feel some rage and upset and yell a little (even on the internet) and fume and feel debilitated like I can't get out of bed

because I know - only from experience and habit, certainly not from faith in the moment - that it will pass. If it gets that bad, it's my disorder, and I need to let it pass."

The "even on the internet" part was referring to some self-conscious microblogging I did on Tumblr that day. I just wanted to yell where people could, possibly, see me. I don't know why. I wouldn't call it "reaching out;" more like being more honest and uncloseted with people about my fucking insane self. I guess I wanted a response, like an "I feel that way too!" or something, but that wasn't my motivation. I feel pretty good about doing that, actually. I'm fucked up. I hope I come across as sincere and honest, as opposed to whiny and self-righteous, but I'm fucked up and high-maintenance sometimes and I'm doing what I can to grow some self-acceptance.

I'm not quite at the same high point as before this episode, and it'd probably be stupidly nostalgic to wish for that. I do feel good, though.

- I bought a bathing suit and I feel awesome in it. Why did I not embrace the high waist earlier in my life?
- I'm looking for jobs, and trying to figure out what I really, seriously want to do, while I'm still young and privileged and still have few enough responsibilities that I can take stupid risks.
- My psychiatrist opportunity fell through (the search said she was a psychiatrist but she was actually a psychologist -- meaning no meds. Uh, no. I need them pillz, thx). So I'm getting up the gumption to follow through with that again.
- I'm about 99% certain I will not be continuing to work at the DOT, for the following reasons:

• I would need to pay $4-5 THOUSAND dollars to take one [1!] full-time class that spans at least a year and leads me to a certification in something I don't actually want
• I don't have that money just lying around, WTF
• I have the option of getting the money directly from them. On the condition (of course) that it is a 3:1 relationship. I.e.: I commit to 1 year of this course, free of charge, and then I commit to 3 years of work with them. Hell no I don't want to work there for three years.
• I'd be working in MARAD. Which, as I've recently found out, is a goddamned war machine. Not exactly fitting with my ethics, and I wouldn't call myself a pacifist, but fuck falsely righteous slaughter/ethnocide/genocide and the stuff that fuels them.

That is my life update.

Now I lust after Rehoboth Beach and being self-employed.

I wonder if, if someone knew nothing of my disorders and hung around me regularly, they would think something was wrong with me; if they'd see anything negative in how I act, socially. Anyone I know has access to my journal and my Tumblr and that's dandy with me, so I'm fine with not knowing the answer. I don't feel that I have much control over the way people view me anyway, and that doesn't often scare me. Everyone does what they are content in doing, or what they think will make them most comfortable with themselves and their image. I'm most content putting myself out there, being loud about my opinions -- sharing myself mentally, physically, emotionally. Sometimes I'm harsh about it, as with my political opinions, but I'm in it for the dialogue. I'm in it to change.

Facebook and Tumblr have greatly supplemented my understanding of the world. It's become a theoretical community, to me, outside of and after the Great Academia. It's incredible how much I've learned from crowdsourcing my interests. I mean, what better way to learn than from the people; the many people. I know I can't always be in academia, surrounded by young radicals who share my views but will always be open to argument/discussion/laughter/self-examination. The internet-world has become a wealth of growth for me. Everything changes constantly, and I've realized I'm happier when I don't try to keep things the way they have been. Not even that -- the way they are. So I'll get an iPhone and buy new clothes and spend more than I save.

I've been letting go of my scrimping habits, letting go of calories, letting go of blaming myself for my own emotions. I don't see how I won't continue to encounter new things to negotiate, new-old habits to break, new prejudices and privileges to check. I've discovered so much and I'm exuberantly, self-indulgently happy or proud of it all. Even if I spent all day on the computer, who's going to judge that as wrong, and why? If that's what I wanted to do with life, I'd do it. For me, "everything in moderation" is just another guaranteed-to-lose form of control.

I'm not comfortable being such a harsh judge of myself anymore (an arduous concept to unlearn, as I was always convinced it helped me), which I think makes me more accepting in general. If I want to sit in bed and eat 10 brownies and stay up until 2 and not exercise to make up for it, how is that wrong? I'm still as judgmental as the rest of us though, so I function just fine. E.g.: I don't judge a person for eating a pan of brownies in one sitting; I judge them if they don't "take care of themselves" in general. That's still terrible of me, right? What does it even mean?

Haha, I've sort-of become that awful kind of post-structuralist, postmodernist that is impossible to explain and often threatens to self-examine into oblivion.

I think I'm going to cross-post this to Tumblr, but I maybe think Tumblr will become my new journal. Hm.