Being a grown-up or something

I went from temp for a year to perm. I work in MC still because I like it; in the Business & Economics Department, which I know nothing about; as an Administrative Aide II, "running the show" (apparently [which makes sense, seeing that I'm the only one here at all times]).
I have my own office, with a half-wall that divides mine with a part-time assistant's office. I have two large windows, a big desk, two bulletin boards. The windows are crucial. 3 weeks on the job. I'm very happy so far.
The AC is strong, so it's always cold in here; a perfect excuse for me to bring my contigo thermos and drink all of my random teas that have been lying around forever.

I drink caffeine now. Mostly aforementioned tea. I love coffee but it makes me jittery and ADHD as of now. I've never been a regular caffeine-imbiber in my life before now.

Can't. stop. ordering. dresses. Ugh, Modcloth. You will be the end of me. Give me gift certificates?

Probs eating too many sweets. Whatev, idc.

Started drinking regularly. Ha. My job in the guv'mint drove me to it (no, seriously.) and now I'm a regular connoisseur. Also (DRY) hard cider. Ugh again. Discovered local gin distillers! Bought George Clooney's tequila! Smuggled gin home from Colorado!
Subsequently decided to drink only on weekends. $$$$.

Sam and I got into bingeing on shows. The Wire, The Tudors, Breaking Bad, Twin Peaks, Boardwalk Empire, Mad Men, Adventure Time, etc. It's beautifully unproductive and sometimes inebriated.

Started seeing a psychiatrist forreal. Added Lamotrigine and Propranolol, and then hiked everything. It's been a month now on this combination/dosage, and I feel pretty good. A lot better.

Went to an AFP party. Cool stuff. Conflicting feelings about her but I like her.

And oh yeah, completely and wholly in love with my Sam.

Quick update:

• Painted my nails for the first time since middle school or something
• Finally cleaned my room mostly. I need a larger dresser.
• WE GOT A KITTEN HER NAME IS PHEBE.

• I got some medication. Lithium Carbonate 300mg 2x/day and Sertraline 50mg 1x/day. Standard medications for Bipolar II. This is from my GP. Long story short, my insurance has changed and I'm still not sure if I have mental health insurance right now. I hope my GP doesn't get sick of me asking for more refills on prescriptions they granted me based on the assumption that I'd be visiting a psych in the near future. That was 3 months ago...
• Despite the fact that it doesn't feel like my meds are working, I think they are. I've had a better quality of life, I guess.
• I will likely become a permanent employee relatively soon and I'm actually pretty happy about it
• Family stuff sucks and, emotionally speaking, I've kinda been all over the place
• But I think everything else has been better?
• Sam is my warm blanket, my worn record, my found heirloom, my old photograph, my kite in flight, my gin & tonic, my dog-eared book, my--HE'S THE FUCKING LOVE OF MY LIFE

Oscillating

I think, overall, things are looking up for me, emotionally. I'm learning how to communicate better what I am feeling, and what I need. It's frustrating sometimes that I have to be so blatant about things but I realize that if I can barely deal with myself, how can I expect someone else to just know how to handle me. There's only so far intuition can go with mental disorder, you know?

I'm in an in-between place. I can keep myself relatively stable and good, but when something does get me down, I explode, or implode. I either yell and cuss (I never really cussed before Sam. It's still weird to me. What a squaaare.) or I fold in on myself and it takes the greatest effort to speak at all. But it takes a little more to get me there. The real triumph is that I don't crumble into a pile of self-loathing nearly as easily. Which means I'm actually being more understanding and less selfish and definitely better able to be there.

I wish I didn't get to the point of like...agitation saturation. Critical mass.

I am bad at doing adult things so I didn't look for a psychiatrist for a long time. But I'm a doof because I realized the other day that my urgent care center treats depressive illnesses. I'm not sure if this includes Bipolar, and I'm eagerly awaiting an answer to my inquiry. Hoping!

A lot of good things are happening right now. I'm leaving for New Mexico this weekend. I'll be there for 10 days, and I'm psyched. I started a new job at Montgomery College in Germantown and just started full-time again. So I can pay down my credit card, thank goodness. Paying the minimum was making me anxious.

Sam wrote a song about me, and it makes me good-cry. For various reasons (probably mostly biased), it might be my favorite song of his. I could write forever about how amazed I am at our love. Even when I feel at the point of destruction, I know this is an intensely, heart-spillingly wonderful relationship. Today, the first lucid words out of his mouth as I woke him up before I left for work: "you're so pretty." N'aw.

J'essaye

SAM you are so wonderful! You, just you. Every you you've ever been and all the yous you'll ever become. I miss your smile all the time just to look at me. I miss making you laugh. I miss feeling like I can't be apart from you or I'll just explode, and I miss that when apart from you I still feel very acutely loved, very close.

I miss your teeth and your confidence and my confidence in loving you, and I'm going to grasp that again no matter how many times I fail and feel like shit and wonder when you'll realize I'm just dead weight. I'll stop wondering, I promise I'll try.

I know that I can be happy. There was a time anything could have happened to me and I still could have smiled through it because I had you, and what else did I need. I don't think it's just nostalgia to reach for that.

I'm still so excited about you, but it's inhumed under mountains of self-loathing and mental illness. I'm excited about me too, somewhere. I swear to you, I'm getting it back. I promise, I swear.